People pleasing relates to a set of behaviours or habits whereby the individual repeatedly abandons their own needs in order to meet other people’s wishes or desires. Their giving and pleasing of others is always at the detriment to themselves, which is associated with poor mental health. It is correlated to individuals with a deep internal desire to be ’liked’ by others, and this means that they often lose sight of themselves, their own likes and interests as they are so strongly focused on the needs of others.

People pleasers can perceive themselves as being ‘big hearted’. However, those who are big hearted, are associated with having healthy ‘self-regard’. To have healthy ‘self-regard’ means that an individual knows what they value and what gives them personal meaning. They do things through a personal desire to, knowing what makes them feel good, and what doesn’t, and meeting their own needs first. A person who people pleases does not have healthy self-regard, instead they seek to please others in hope that it will fulfil their own emotional needs. As well they are constantly worrying about what other people think of them.

People Pleasing can look like:

Avoiding disagreements

Ignoring your own needs

Having a lack of personal boundaries

Constant anxiety about being rejected

Belief that people will only like you if you do things for them

Unable to share your own needs, incase others reject you

Accepting invites you do not want to go to

Constant apologising

In school, people pleasing can look like:

Staying friends with people who are unkind to us

Always trying to help everyone

Saying yes to everything that is asked of them

Expressing that their friends do not like them

Feeling resentful if people play with other friends

Feeling jealous if friends have plans with others

Taking on the majority of work in groups

Changing their opinions to fit in

Seeking constant validation or reassurance

Avoiding all conflict

Afraid to share their opinions

First Steps to Support

Managing people pleasing tendencies takes time. We can support children and teenagers by:

#1 – Creating opportunities to enhance emotional literacy skills for children to be able to recognise the feelings associated with people pleasing and self-soothe them

#2 – Support the development of healthy boundaries with self and peers

#3 – Support the development of self-esteem and confidence

Want to learn more? 

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

Are you looking for a deeper understanding of child mental health? Our Level 4 Child and Adolescent Mental Health Coaching Diploma takes you into an in depth dive of child mental health and how you can support.  You can join our Level 4 training (here).

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Further Support 

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